Heartbroken

It’s been a really tough week for reasons that I was going to get into with this post, but this afternoon I found out some heartbreaking news about a blogger that I read.  I found Natalie at the very beginning of her pregnancy, she was 4 weeks pregnant, I was 6.  I never left her comments, but I read faithfully every day.  Her writing was so well done, it made me feel as if I was going through her pregnancy right along with her.  She learned yesterday that her precious baby boy died in utero.  She was 35 weeks, 5 days.  It amazes me how we can be so affected by people that we don’t even know.  They went through alot to have this baby, and again it is so incredibly unfair that this happened.

Here’s a candle in the hopes that she and her family can heal from this. 

What do you say?

So I finally broke down on Sunday and went to the grave.  It was Sunday morning, 9 AM, and I was the only one there.  And as peaceful as it was for me, I was at a loss as what I was supposed to do.  Was I supposed to say something, do something, talk about something.  I just stood there and stared at the hay that was still there, the flowers that we originally laid there, the little stuff lamb that I laid there, the new set of grass that was starting to grow there. 

What do you say to the child that you were never supposed to see die?

What do you say to the child that today is STILL supposed to be with you. 

What do you say to the child that you honestly believe saved your Father’s life. 

What do you say to a miracle. 

I wish someone knew, because I sure don’t. 

Baby #2, or #4?

The question of when/if we are going to start trying again has come up, too many times to count, in the weeks since we lost the baby.  Sometimes I wonder how people can ask me such a question after I have suffered an unimaginable loss, and then I ask myself the same question.  Hopefully if God wants it to happen, we will be blessed again, and I now understand why some people want to jump right back in.  After going through this, my body is aching to be pregnant.

So the issue comes up, will we try for baby #2, and if we do, will we be blessed with child #4?   The question is when, and how do I convince my husband that it is worth the risk.  We have always talked about having 2 children.  The problem with that is that he already has a 14 year old son from a previous marriage.  So technically he does have 2 but there is such a great age difference, and he’s not around all that much, so I don’t feel that they will ever really have a close relationship.  He and I have gone back and forth about the topic.  One day he’s ready, one day he says he satisfied with what we have.  And you know what, I am completely grateful for what we have, but I’m not ready to throw in the towel on another baby either.  My heart tells me that we should go for it, and if my body decides differently, then I will be ready to put the topic to rest.  The thought that this could happen again is always on my mind, but I’m ready, and I need to take the risk. 

Which brings me to my latest purchase.

When I got pregnant with Ava, I peed on the sticks, did the deed when it said I was ovulating, and the second month I was pregnant.  When I got pregnant this last time, we weren’t actively trying, but we weren’t not trying either.  I ovulated on day 7, something I was obviously not expecting. (you may ask how I know for sure, and let’s just say that was a pretty dry month, so I just know   I have curiously tracked what days I expected to ovulate for the past 2 cycles, peeing on the sticks during those middle of the cycle days, and none of them have given me any signs that it’s happening.  I tried going back on birth control after the birth, but I had periods 3 weeks apart so I am desperately trying to grasp what my body is doing.  I know things aren’t supposed to be “normal” for a while, so at this point we are looking to start trying again either in March or April.  I have set a few goals for myself between now and then, mainly to shed some weight, and to try to get my body as healthy and as ready as it can be. 

Let’s just hope my mind can stabilize before the roller coaster of emotions begin again. 

Anger

I wanted to post last Friday, which would have been exactly one month since the baby was buried, but I didn’t.  s I also didn’t go by her grave. I haven’t been there since that day, and I can’t bring myself to go now.  I drive by the cemetery almost every day as I come into town, but I still can’t muster up the strengh to go and see her.  She’s not supposed to be there, they both are still supposed to be with me.  I don’t know when I’ll go back, maybe around her due date, maybe not.  While I’m at peace in our decision to bury her, the grave-site is a constant reminder of what happened, and I’m trying as hard as I can to put myself past it, and I’m afraid if I go it’s going to be one step forward, two steps back. 

 I thought that I had been doing pretty well at moving on, staying busy with my everyday life, going out and doing things with my husband and friends and then something happened Saturday that made me realize that wasn’t the case.  We were coming home from the basketball game that night, Matthew and I were just talking and all of a sudden I lost it.  I started screaming at him, yelling about things that were not even relevant to the conversation that we were having.  And then the tears started, and they wouldn’t stop.  At that point it really hit me just how angry I was.  This was supposed to be the year that our babies would be here, in two short months.  Angry that a good friend of mine is also pregnant with twins due two weeks after me, and no complications.  Angry that another friend of mine is going to be holding her new baby at the same time I should be holding mine.  Angry that of all people, why do I have to be going through this.  Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m so happy for my friends, I would never wish this pain on anyone, but at that one moment I wanted so badly for someone else to be feeling the pain that I felt. 

I’m hoping to attend a Perinatal Loss class that they have at the hospital tonight, hopefully that’s the first step to healing my broken heart. 

A New Year, and therefore a Meme is involved

Since I’m sort of starting over here, I thougth a meme would be a good easy first post.  I’ve seen this on a few blogs, so naturally I’m copying for myself. 

 January – Took Ava (my almost 2 year old) on her first plane ride when we went and visited my parents.  They decided to spend the month in the warmth of Florida instead of the freezing cold KY weather.  She had her first and only trip to the zoo, and I can honestly say that she was less than impressed. 

February – Started taking tennis lessons with some of my friends, that lasted all of about 2 months before we got bored.  Ava started a baby swimming class, which for the most part she enjoyed.  We also started her in Gymboree, which she is still an active participant of. 

March – Ava turned 1 and I turned 31.  GAH!  Matthew lost his wedding ring, and it still hasn’t been replaced to this day  

April – Celebrated 2nd anniversary and headed to Orlando for a few days.  Not much excitement involved as my husband was there for a work conference but my days were spent sipping cocktails by the pool.  We also purchased what I consider now to be our dream home.  It’s still up in the air if we can actually afford it or not, but it sure is pretty!  Ava also decided that this would be a good month to trade in rolling for crawling, better late than never.  She also dropped her morning nap and settled nicely into a routine of one LONG 3 hour nap in the afternoon. 

May – Moved into new house and started training for a 10,000 K run.  Training was cut short after just about 6 weeks due to a foot injury.  Darn. 

June – Lots and lots of swimming and pool time. 

July – Found out I was pregnant, unexpectedly, but thrilled nonetheless.  Morning sickness kicked in immediately. 

August – Found out I was expecting twins!  Still suffered through pretty bad morning sickness, but I wouldn’t trade what I went through for the world.  Cancelled a trip to Hilton Head because I couldn’t bear the thought of being on a hot beach with a toddler in the throws of it all. 

September – Found out Twin A no longer had a heartbeat.  Had the unfortunate and devastating experience of passing the baby at home.  Was told Twin B was doing great, and had no reason to expect we wouldn’t have a healthy baby.  Dealt with stinky septic system issue which didn’t make the morning sickness any better.  Ava got to spend lots of time with Grandpa and Grandma. 

October – Heard a strong heartbeat on second baby.  Ava finally decided that walking is more fun than crawling and she enjoyed her first real trick o treating outing.  We went to Matthew’s 20 year high school reunion.  A routine visit to the doctor gave us the devastating news that the second baby had no amniotic fluid, and while it was still alive and growing, it’s lungs would not develop and it would not survive outside of my belly.  Started Ava in a parents day out program at a local church. 

November -  Ava was a flower girl in my brother in law’s wedding, possibly the cutest child I have ever seen.  (I am biased of course) A follow up appointment to the doctor confirmed our worst fears that somewhere, somehow my water broke undetected and I was consistently leaking fluid.  Our remaining baby girl was born November 15.  We named her Anna Grace.  My dad suffered a near fatal heart attack, and had 2 separate surgeries to add 4 stents, as well as a defribrilator.  Not a good month. 

December -   We buried our precious baby on December 4, and also purchased the spaces where Matthew and I will eventually lie.  Christmas was fun because of the joy in seeing it through Ava’s eyes, but there was something missing, and everyone felt it, especially me.  Went to Nashville for New Years for a football game.  I’ve never been so excited to see a new year.  Cut my hair for the first time in a YEAR.  I will never go that long again. 

The year started out promising, and ended with a bang, and not the good kind.  If it weren’t for my Ava, I don’t know where I would be.  She is my life, and I’m thankful for her, but I also long for what I could have/should have had.  I will never forget my babies, but the only thing I know how to do is to grieve, and move on.  This is where I hope to be able to do that.