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I wanted to post last Friday, which would have been exactly one month since the baby was buried, but I didn’t.  s I also didn’t go by her grave. I haven’t been there since that day, and I can’t bring myself to go now.  I drive by the cemetery almost every day as I come into town, but I still can’t muster up the strengh to go and see her.  She’s not supposed to be there, they both are still supposed to be with me.  I don’t know when I’ll go back, maybe around her due date, maybe not.  While I’m at peace in our decision to bury her, the grave-site is a constant reminder of what happened, and I’m trying as hard as I can to put myself past it, and I’m afraid if I go it’s going to be one step forward, two steps back. 

 I thought that I had been doing pretty well at moving on, staying busy with my everyday life, going out and doing things with my husband and friends and then something happened Saturday that made me realize that wasn’t the case.  We were coming home from the basketball game that night, Matthew and I were just talking and all of a sudden I lost it.  I started screaming at him, yelling about things that were not even relevant to the conversation that we were having.  And then the tears started, and they wouldn’t stop.  At that point it really hit me just how angry I was.  This was supposed to be the year that our babies would be here, in two short months.  Angry that a good friend of mine is also pregnant with twins due two weeks after me, and no complications.  Angry that another friend of mine is going to be holding her new baby at the same time I should be holding mine.  Angry that of all people, why do I have to be going through this.  Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m so happy for my friends, I would never wish this pain on anyone, but at that one moment I wanted so badly for someone else to be feeling the pain that I felt. 

I’m hoping to attend a Perinatal Loss class that they have at the hospital tonight, hopefully that’s the first step to healing my broken heart. 


8 Responses

  1. Oh I’m so very sorry that you are feeling this way, though I expect that it’s very normal. I also suspect that if you didn’t have moments like this once in a while that you might be a bit abnormal. Don’t forget that you don’t have to go to that grave site to visit your babies; they’re just as close to you now as they are at the cemetery.

    I completely know what you mean about looking at your friends and being mad. I feel that way often. I wonder why I’m the one that has to go through all this crap when it’s so easy for everyone else. I feel like punching people when they seem so ungrateful during their pregnancies, but alas, I am still happy for them…just a little unhappy for myself.

    I hope all is well and that your emotional state mends as the days move forward.

  2. Yes, I completely understand your feelings about your friends. I find myself almost wishing something bad would happen to the friends/family members who are blissfully pregnant right now, just so they would understand what it’s like to experience such loss. Then I can’t believe I would even think such a thing. When I found out my SIL was pg on Saturday, I totally lost it. I thought I would die from grief.

    Apparently, we are going through normal stages of grief. Sucks, doesn’t it? Now I understand why, years ago, there was a year-long mourning period. Grief doesn’t just magically disappear.

  3. I so deeply hope that the loss group can help to ease your pain at least a little bit. I know how hard it is not to be angry, not to feel intense pain and jealousy. I hope that it will pass and you will be able to find some small measure of real, quiet peace.

  4. I had a friend who had a stillborn full term baby in 2005. That was the most wretched thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life. I can not fathom the agony she was experiencing. Also, there was someone in our preschool who had her baby within a week and I just know that child served as a constant reminder of what should have been. Same sex and everything. 😦 I know she found some support in online communities where there were parents who shared the exact same thing and really did *GET* what she went though. Maybe you should look there as well? Get all the help you need though. You have double the loss to work through.

  5. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, it’s part of the grief process. When I lost my twins I felt much of the same things, I just haven’t really written about much of it. It was a year ago in December and there isn’t one day that passes that I don’t think of them.

  6. I hope that the class helps. I think it will. I’m glad you have your new blog up and going. Keep writing! And I have a hard time with the cemetery too. I really can’t got there. I try to think of the babies at other times, like walking on the beach or in the woods. I guess that’s the best I can do, right now.

    Take care, Becca.

  7. It has been a bit since this post….I hope and pray the class helped. Still sending prayers.

  8. I think it’s normal for you to be angry. You can’t just move on from such a trauma. Hopefully the class will help a little and check with your insurance provider, they might cover a certain number of therapy sessions that could help you work through your grief.

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