Baby #2, or #4?

The question of when/if we are going to start trying again has come up, too many times to count, in the weeks since we lost the baby.  Sometimes I wonder how people can ask me such a question after I have suffered an unimaginable loss, and then I ask myself the same question.  Hopefully if God wants it to happen, we will be blessed again, and I now understand why some people want to jump right back in.  After going through this, my body is aching to be pregnant.

So the issue comes up, will we try for baby #2, and if we do, will we be blessed with child #4?   The question is when, and how do I convince my husband that it is worth the risk.  We have always talked about having 2 children.  The problem with that is that he already has a 14 year old son from a previous marriage.  So technically he does have 2 but there is such a great age difference, and he’s not around all that much, so I don’t feel that they will ever really have a close relationship.  He and I have gone back and forth about the topic.  One day he’s ready, one day he says he satisfied with what we have.  And you know what, I am completely grateful for what we have, but I’m not ready to throw in the towel on another baby either.  My heart tells me that we should go for it, and if my body decides differently, then I will be ready to put the topic to rest.  The thought that this could happen again is always on my mind, but I’m ready, and I need to take the risk. 

Which brings me to my latest purchase.

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When I got pregnant with Ava, I peed on the sticks, did the deed when it said I was ovulating, and the second month I was pregnant.  When I got pregnant this last time, we weren’t actively trying, but we weren’t not trying either.  I ovulated on day 7, something I was obviously not expecting. (you may ask how I know for sure, and let’s just say that was a pretty dry month, so I just know 🙂  I have curiously tracked what days I expected to ovulate for the past 2 cycles, peeing on the sticks during those middle of the cycle days, and none of them have given me any signs that it’s happening.  I tried going back on birth control after the birth, but I had periods 3 weeks apart so I am desperately trying to grasp what my body is doing.  I know things aren’t supposed to be “normal” for a while, so at this point we are looking to start trying again either in March or April.  I have set a few goals for myself between now and then, mainly to shed some weight, and to try to get my body as healthy and as ready as it can be. 

Let’s just hope my mind can stabilize before the roller coaster of emotions begin again. 

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4 Responses

  1. Good luck !

  2. That’s a rough one. Because no matter how “ready” you are, if your husband isn’t ready, things wouldn’t be very good if you got pregnant.

    Of course, who am I to talk–we actively tried again, then started second-guessing it when we actually got pregnant.

  3. You and your husband will both know in your heart if/when you’re ready… In any case I wish you the best of luck. Bella

  4. I can’t believe people would ask you that, even if had been years since the loss. But so soon after? You poor thing.

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